Investing in Your Relationship

A meaningful relationship with someone can be one of the most fulfilling things on Earth. Imagine having someone you know you can always rely on to give you support when you need it, encouragement when your courage is flagging, inspiration when your motivation is lacking – and most important of all – love that is yours for the taking, with no conditions and no strings.

Some people say “a fantastic fantasy, but no more than that!” and believe that relationships like that exist in movies, in television series, novels, and in songs – but they do not happen in real life. Perhaps it is possible if you think about parents’ love for their children. In the romantic relationships or love affairs, however, they happen very rarely and only to the lucky few.

The skeptics and the cynics are right in one thing. This kind of love is rare. It does not happen often, and few people experience its wonder. Lucky indeed are those who get to experience this kind of love. However, it is not luck that determines whether you will get this kind of relationship or not.

The Ideal Relationship

Let it be clear now that this relationship is not the idyllic romance found in movies and romantic literature. This kind of relationship is not exempt from the ordinary stresses that plague other relationships. There are fights, misunderstandings, arguments, and differences. It is not the lack of all these things that make this kind of relationship special. Rather, it is how it withstands such problems and manages to come through them unscathed and come out much stronger than ever that makes this kind of relationship remarkable.

Put this way, this kind of relationship no longer looks so fantastic, does it? It is real, all right; it has all the ups and downs of normal relationships. So if relationships of this kind can exist in real life, then why are there not more of them around?

A relationship is defined by the individuals that compose it. If a relationship is strong, it is because of the individuals that make it so; likewise, if a relationship is weak, it is because the individuals in it are weak. In this case, it can be concluded that it lies within the power of the people who make up the relationship to bring to life the kind of relationship they wish to have. This shows that not only is the “ideal relationship” possible; it is also completely doable.

The Emotional Bank Account

If you want a million dollars in your bank account, how do you think you will achieve that? Naturally, you will have to set aside an amount every month and deposit this into your bank account. On some months perhaps you can spare $500 or more, whereas on other months you probably won’t be able to manage more than a hundred dollars. Notice that the more you deposit to your savings account, the faster your balance grows and the smaller the amount you deposit, the slower it grows. If your bank fails, you take out your money and run – then find another bank or an investment instrument where your funds will be actively earning interest once again.

Now, why is this short and useful but seemingly out-of-place financial advice in a relationship guide? Because parallelisms can be drawn between the million-dollar-balance bank account described above and the ideal relationship discussed much earlier.

If you want to have the ideal relationship described above, then you must treat it the way you would treat your bank account when you wish to save a million dollars. First, you need to make a deposit. You should learn how to give something of yourself to the relationship. If your partner is rather gloomy, then lend him or her some of your good cheer. If your partner needs help with his or her work, then take some time off your busy schedule and give your partner all the help that you can. If your partner needs your understanding and encouragement, offer it.

Simply put, if you want a relationship that’s worth having (in our analogy, a bank account with a balance of a million dollars), you should help it grow by actively nourishing it.

However, there will be moments when you will give much less than you can because you’re afraid of being over-invested (emotionally) in your relationship; you want to pace it so that you won’t be too heavily invested if the relationship bombs. There will also be moments when you simply have nothing to give. In such cases, the relationship’s growth slows down; the time to goal attainment – when you will have the ideal relationship – is lengthened.

In other words, the more you give to your relationship, the faster you will attain the ideal state. The less you give, the slower the process of growth and transition becomes. If you want to achieve the ideal relationship in your lifetime and with your current partner, you have to take the risk of being heavily invested emotionally and losing because of it.

Nevertheless, you should also set your boundaries. The giving can’t be just on your side of the relationship. Relationship building should be a joint effort. This doesn’t mean you have to keep a tally of what you and your partner have invested, emotionally, in your relationship. If you think you are more committed than your partner, discuss it with him or her. Furthermore, you must consider whether your perceptions are correct or not – perhaps what you think or believe to be right is based on misconceptions? Be sure to do this before you point an accusing finger at your partner.

Simply put, you need to assess the progress your relationship is making. You must also check your ideal against what’s really happening. It won’t work if only you are committed to the endeavor; and the sooner you know, the better.

If it turns out that your partner really has reservations about your relationship, withdraw your emotional investment. In other words, gather the shattered pieces of your life together and make them yours again. Make a clean break so you can heal.

Of course at this point, you may want to keep your emotions in check – hoard them to yourself so you won’t get hurt again. But if you do this, remember the kind of meaningful relationship that you’ll be missing.

Instead of doing the equivalent of keeping your emotions in an impregnable safe – secure but untouchable and not earning you any interest – you should do what any wise investor does with his money after a bank run. He holds on to it for a while and then when a viable offer presents itself, he invests his capital once again. Sooner or later he will accomplish his million-dollar savings goal.

Following the same logic, you must take the time you need to heal from your bad experience. However, you should not keep yourself aloof and closed to other relationship opportunities. Once you find something you can build on, start making the same emotional investments that you made before. Sooner or later, you will accomplish your goal and become part of the ideal relationship – the very best kind of relationship around.