Building and Maintaining Relationships

You think you have found the one person you want to be with for the rest of your life. You are exhilarated but you are also scared. What if you mess up and do something to ruin your relationship? Are there rules you can follow to make sure you do not lose this great guy or this sweet girl with whom you are very much in love?

There are no rules. There are, however, many worthy tips about building and maintaining a relationship that you can follow. And the first of them will tell you that obsession about relationship’s rules is one of the biggest mistakes you’ll ever make if you want to build a relationship for keeps.

Be Guided, Not Ruled

If you want to build a meaningful relationship with another person, you must never, ever treat a relationship like a recipe book. In other words, do not blindly follow what any books tell you. Blind obedience is all right when it comes to recipe books; the ingredients and measurements are precise, so following the recipes will give you the intended results. In human relationships, however, there are no such constants.

Treat books (including this article) as guides to building and maintaining a relationship. However, never lose your own perspective. First of all, books are written for a general audience; they are not for you alone. In some cases, they may not be for you at all. You are an individual with unique traits and beliefs, and so is your partner.

You don’t pretend to be a helpless female and put on womanly airs when you’re really independent and assertive just because the books tell you this will “bring out the protective instincts” in your man and make him love you more. Do not act all mysterious when you’re really just bursting at the seams in your eagerness to tell him all about yourself just because the books tell you “men are enthralled by a mysterious female.”

Likewise, you don’t pretend to be all macho, invulnerable and aloof just because the books tell you “women are drawn to “strong, unattainable guys.” You don’t pretend to drive a BMW coupe and a Rolls Royce limo when you actually drive a beat-up Toyota with a beat-up fender just because the books tell you “women are attracted to rich men.”

These books may be right; but do you really want to be in a relationship with a woman who equates a guy’s value with the size of his wallet? Then, of course, what do you think will happen to your relationship when your partner finally discovers your beat-up Toyota and your BMW and Rolls’ car rental receipts? Likewise, do you really want to keep a guy who loves you because you are like “a mystery gift he’d like to unwrap”? A guy who’s so enthralled by mysterious females is probably not the marrying type; there’ll be countless other females and mysterious packages to unwrap. In case you are willing to risk that, then what do you think will become of your relationship once the mystery and the novelty runs out?

This brings us to our next point.

Be Honest and Be Yourself

Do not create a false image of yourself in your loved one’s eyes. That’s the surest route to relationship breakdown and certainly not a good foundation for the long-lasting relationship that you want to have with your partner. Sooner or later he or she will wake up to the fact that you are not really what you appeared to be. For your part, how do you know whether your partner loves you or the illusion of you that you have created especially for his or her benefit?

A long-lasting relationship cannot be built on illusions and lies. It has to be real from the start or the relationship is bound for failure. A meaningful relationship is something that gives satisfaction and fulfillment. How much satisfaction do you think can you get from a relationship that’s insecure?

Insecurities lead to thoughts about the “what-ifs,” specifically “what if he or she doesn’t love the real me?” or “what if he or she discovers I’m lying and pretending and leaves me?” In a relationship without pretensions and lies, you will have no such doubts. You know he or she loves you just the way you are, so you won’t be afraid to slip or make a mistake that can make him or her love you less.

Do Not Manipulate

Do not manipulate your partner into doing things you know he or she doesn’t want to do. Just like you expect your partner to accept you as you are, you should also accept your partner for what he or she is. There’s no point in trying to change your partner to make him or her fit your ideal mold. Respect your partner’s independence and his or her principles. Do not play games. If you can’t accept your partner the way he or she is, find someone else. You’ll save yourselves a lot of trouble that way.

Give Each Other Some Space

A relationship that stifles individuality will not last. Relationships are supposed to fulfill a person and encourage their personal growth. When the relationship becomes restrictive and when the two individuals are transformed so wholly into a single unit, the relationship becomes a relationship of one and thereby loses its essence. Relationships are much richer when they are composed of individuals who are continually evolving and thereby continually contributing to the growth of their partners.

If you want to maintain your relationship, it is essential that you give each other some breathing space. Don’t live in each other’s pockets. Have some time alone; go out with your own set of friends. That way, you’ll always have something new to talk about. Moreover, none of you will feel that your relationship has deprived you of other pursuits and interest.

Communicate

Communication is crucial to a healthy relationship. How else would you keep the love going and learn about possible problems in your relationship if you don’t talk about important things?

Communication in this case does not refer to just small talk and ordinary conversation. Nor does it refer to just verbal communication. Both of these things are part of the communication mechanics in a relationship, but real communication goes much deeper. It involves talking about important matters – typically philosophical but not academic – like what each wants to achieve, what you dream of achieving together and what you think your life means. It is also telling your partner with a glance, with a word and with a touch how much you value him or her, how great a blessing he or she is to your life and how much you love him or her.